Why I Love the Ampersand

and why you might too...

My home office and zoom background.

~~1

One day a few years ago, I found myself sharing some current angsty angst with my therapist. I was so upset about the conflicting messages I was getting from someone in my life. I remember saying to her: “I don’t know which is true? Is ABC example true? Or is XYZ example true? These are totally opposite messages.”

She just looked at me and gently smiled. “Yes.”

“Yes?”

“Yes,” she said. “Both can be true. Both are true.”

“UGH.” I shook my head in response.

I wanted clarity and simplicity. I wanted a crystal clear message and direction. Above all, I wanted CERTAINTY. But over time, I’ve come to learn and accept that more often than not, we are complicated and messy human beings. We have different parts inside ourselves that want different things, say conflicting things and move in opposite directions.

We want to exercise every morning AND we want to sleep in. We want to save money AND we want to splurge on a vacation. Yes, and. We say this and we do that. We contradict ourselves all the time.

Scientists define a complex system as a system composed of many interacting components whose collective behavior cannot be simply predicted by understanding the components in isolation. Complex systems are, well, complex.

And every human being is a complex system. We are messy and complicated and this doesn’t make us broken, it only makes us human. Normal. After many years of therapy and a masters degree in psychology, I’ve come to accept this messiness and complexity.

The ampersand is a symbol I use to remind myself that we humans are complex. And instead of over-simplifying ourselves, let’s embrace our complicated selves. Let’s embrace all the various parts we see in ourselves and each other. Let’s remember that both this thing and that thing can be true, at the very same time.

~~2

I’m also a writer who tells stories. In stories, the word BUT indicates a complication or plot twist. BUT changes or stops the flow of energy in the scene.

He was driving to meet his girlfriend, BUT he got a flat tire. She planned to graduate BUT she flunked the final exam.

Meanwhile, the word AND means the story is still evolving, still continuing. AND means the story isn’t over yet. Shitty stuff already happened, traumatic things happened AND the heroine is still alive. AND the hero is still on his quest. Frodo has encountered so many hardships AND he still has the ring.

A period is an ending, while AND is a continuation.

As long as we’re alive, our story is still continuing. If you’re reading this, then you’re not dead yet, which means you’re still writing the story of your life. You’re not a victim of your past. Some stuff has happened and your future life is still unfolding.

~3

If you’ve been on a zoom with me recently, you’ve seen the big ampersand I have hanging on my office wall behind me. It might seem like an odd piece of artwork, kind of quirky and eclectic. A few people have asked me what it means and this is my long winded way towards an answer.

The ampersand reminds me to stay curious about how two contradictory things could both be true. Whenever I do this, my perspective expands. The ampersand reminds me to embrace our messy complex selves and have compassion for all our complicated parts.

The ampersand also reminds me that I still have the power to keep writing the story of my life. I used to be a teacher and now I’m a writer. I used to do Ironman triathlons and now I walk to my pilates class. I know what happened in my past and I’m still navigating all the uncertainty in my future. As long as I’m alive I will continue to write my way forward to find where all these twists and turns might take me.

I hope you will too. I hope you’ll stay curious about your own complexity and stay open to all the journeys and quests still ahead of you. I hope you’ll embrace the power of being the author of your life.

== niki

** If you’d like to read more about navigating complexity, the best book I can recommend is this one: Unleash Your Complexity Genius, by Jennifer Garvey Berger.