The Arrival Fallacy

I hope I never arrive

“There’s no bigger trap than thinking that the accomplishment of some goal will fulfill you. What will fulfill you is who you become in the process of going for it.”

- Brad Stulberg

It can be so easy to fall into the trap of the arrival fallacy, to mistakenly believe that when ABC happens, then I will be happy. ABC might be a promotion, a house, a marriage, or even retirement. It’s so easy to place our happiness at some point later in the future, when life will be different. Many psychologists have researched this common cognitive bias.

I’ve spent much of the last two years writing a novel. Many people assume I’m oriented towards successful publication. Oddly, that almost seems like an afterthought. Success - for me - isn’t necessarily the day I sell or publish my book.

Success is when I’ve figured out how to best tell this story that wants to come to life.

In service to this story, I have disrupted and reorganized my life. In service to this story, I’ve been transforming myself into someone who can give it shape and figure out how to bring it to life. In the process of “going for it” I’ve grown and changed in many ways:

1. I’ve figured out how to structure my days for maximum creativity. I’ve learned to protect my mornings for undistracted writing time, and I save all the adulting / appointments / chores for the afternoons.

2. I’ve figured out the tools that work best for me. I have a favorite notebook and favorite pen, and I’ve experimented to pick the writing software that works best for me. (pen = pilot precise V7 in blue; software = scrivener).

3. I’ve learned how to maintain focus on this first project. And whenever I have ideas for future stories, I write them down and put them away for the future, because I’m staying committed to this first novel. I already have separate files for book #2 and #3.

4. I’ve figured out my writing role models and mentors – those I admire and why, and which values matter most.

5. I’ve immersed myself in community, to soak up knowledge from published writers, editors and agents, to study this writing territory, both the art and the business of writing.

6. I’ve built my team of friends and peers who are with me on this writing journey. I have many wonderful friends now that I hadn’t yet met two years ago. I love that we can support each other on our journeys.

7. I’ve practiced sharing my work and receiving feedback from experts and peers and readers. And I’ve figured out how to use that feedback for productive revisions and edits.

8. I’ve organized the business side of writing, to form an LLC and track business expenses, to think of myself as the CEO of my business.

I haven’t published anything yet. But I’ve built the infrastructure in my life, to develop a sustainable practice, to transform myself and my life for the long game.

# # #

A few months ago, my partner jokingly asked me, “If you want to get more writing done, why don’t you spend less time zooming with your writing friends?” I laughed and hugged him and remembered he was a computer scientist and a program director.

What he doesn’t understand is that spending time with my writing friends is absolutely crucial for my becoming. When we zoom, we talk about technical writing stuff. How to end a scene or set up a second act plot twist. We talk about point of view and character voice and pacing and how to raise the stakes. We read our writing and share where we’re stuck. We help each other get unstuck. We talk process and craft and publishing.

Most importantly, we orient ourselves towards our writing and away from life distractions. We help each other anchor our days around our writing. Every week, my writing friends help me shift my identity from someone who wants to write to become someone who has written.

# # #

This week one of my dearest writing friends received a copy of a new book in the mail. This book has her name on the front cover. It’s her first of many and we all celebrated. I’m proud and excited for her because she made this happen.

But I think this milestone is a bit like receiving your college diploma in the mail the month after you graduated – it’s a lagging indicator of the person you’ve become and the work you’ve already done. The college work was done over four years of reading and writing and studying. The diploma – like the published book - are simply validation about who you’ve become along the way.

Success comes from learning how to do the work. The finish line isn’t the point, it’s who we become along the way that changes our life forever.

In the process of going for it, and figuring out how to write my first novel, I’ve already transformed myself and my life. According to that metric, I’m already winning.

Sabino Canyon / Tucson, Arizona